I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize