youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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