you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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