I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Randomize
