Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
