he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
