U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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