totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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