life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
one two three fourrrrnication!
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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