I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
