On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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