i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
