fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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