jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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