i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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