Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
