those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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