Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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