Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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