You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
