sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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