I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
