We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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