Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Vodka?
Forever.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
