I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
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