It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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