When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
