i just sent this text using only my big toe
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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