listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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