i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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