Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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