Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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