He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You should frame my arrest warrant.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
