Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
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