last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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