I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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