I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize