He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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