I think my fart just growled at me.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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