You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
the night ended with taco bell and tears
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
