I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
