Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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