i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
