I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Girls should come with a carfax report
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
