Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
