my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
