Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
