Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
