You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize