he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
