guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
