if i can run in heels then i can drive
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
