It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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