All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
