my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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