Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Randomize
