I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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