roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My liver is preforming stress tests.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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