Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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