i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
