Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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