you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
