Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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